


All For You

by katopotato



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Reincarnation AU, Trans Character, a little bit of angst, time loops, wild theories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-19 14:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1473301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katopotato/pseuds/katopotato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean Kirschstien and Marco Bodt have met many, many times before this one. Some timelines are sad, some are happy, sometimes they don't even meet. Marco knows all this. But Jean doesn't remember. And he doesn't look like the Jeans Marco has known in the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When You Fall Like A Statue

**Author's Note:**

> This is for agent-pluto on tumblr cause theyre awesome as heck. For updates and questions my tumblr is finnstiel.  
> The rating will go up in future chapters.

He sees him across the tracks one morning, waiting patiently for the train that's coming slowly from the previous station, and his entire world slows to a stop. Everything is out of focus except the man on the other side of the tracks, his features thrown in sharp contrast to the people around him.

_It’s Jean._

Marco stares at Jean until the train arrives and blocks his view. Visions of giant fleshy bodies and the sun glinting off metal swords rush through his mind. He has to squeeze his eyes shut to get rid of the image of a giant cavernous mouth coming to meet him and a hand squeezing his body and slowly bringing him towards the teeth that are like tombstones with his name on them and when he opens his eyes the train is already halfway out of the station and he can no longer see Jean.

He knows how many times they've been through this. How many times Jean has found him and how many times Marco has stumbled across Jean. He can count the amount of happy endings they've had. He can count the amount of coffins he's buried in the ground, _Jean Kirschstien_ emblazoned on the lid and he can count the crying family members that came over to hug him as the dirt started to cover that gold lettering. He knows that Jean has been the same thing, staring at Marco’s name adorning the black coffin.  
Marco stares after the end of the train until it disappears into the tunnel a few meters down the track. He knows it was Jean, knows it in his gut, despite the softer, more effeminate features, he knows that two-tone undercut and that face because its been etched into his memory just like its etched into the back pages of his sketchbook.

The announcement of his train arriving catches his attention and he reluctantly takes his eyes off the tunnel to see the train pull up in front of him. Marco clutches his bag strap and moves with the crowd through the open doors of the train. It's peak hour so he knows he won't get a seat unless he feels like squeezing in next to the overweight old woman sitting in the priority seating area, so he leans against the wall near the doors and pulls out his sketch book to start another sketch. This time, the face has softer features, fuller lips and a smaller more rounded nose. It's not like he'd never imagined Jean as a woman, but he'd never imagined him as anything other than the boy he'd met in Trost 2000 years ago. Sure, there are timelines where they haven't met, where maybe Jean was a girl. A girl who grew up as sarcastic and bitchy as Jean himself, a girl who'd never moved to America with her family when she was five. A girl who found a partner, got married, had children and grew up. Without him.

It definitely isn’t something he wants to think about while on a train full of strangers so he shakes his head and continues to draw. The Jean he’d seen was shorter than he remembered, not by much but still shorter. And softer, like a woman but also slim and wiry like a man. It was odd. Marco paused at the eyes, tapping the end of his pencil against his mouth and trying to remember how they looked across the tracks, unfocused and staring blankly at the tracks. He hadn’t been able to see the colour but his memory filled that in for him, providing sharp hazel-gold eyes staring at him, dissecting him, catching the lies before they made it past his expression. Marco sighed and continued to the mouth. Fuller lips. Not necessarily a woman’s mouth but more feminine that Marco remembered. He sketches it in over his rough lines, curving the lower lip more than he’s done before, trying to remember how they looked in a bored pout. He moves up the face, sketching in a rough ear on one side, then goes over what he’s done of the hair and adds in the maroon beanie that had been perched on the back of this Jean’s head. He can’t remember much else of the man’s features without his own memory of Jean filling in the gaps and that is something he doesn’t want this time. His phone goes off in his bag and he almost drops his sketchbook trying to get the loud device out of his bag. It’s a text from Eren, asking him what time he’s coming to campus tomorrow.

**To: Eren J**  
 _about 12:30 why?_  
    
His phone chirps a moment later with a reply.

**From: Eren J**   
_i need your notes from the d &a lecture_

Of course he does. Eren does the same Fine Arts course as Marco, and while his sketches are amazing, his attention in lectures is severely lacking. As in, nine times out of ten he’s asleep in his chair. Marco shakes his head and turns his phone off, tucking it into his back pocket. This happens every week so he's not really that surprised. He gets free lunch every Wednesday because of Eren's laziness so why not capitalize on it?  
He picks his sketchbook up from where he dropped it next to his bag and stares at the sketch of the Jean he'd seen on the platform. They look different to the Jean he remembers that's for sure but in such a way that it's like he's a cross between Marco's Jean and the female Jean that Marco imagines sometimes. He sighs again for what feels like the hundredth time since he was standing on the platform and pulls his phone back out, opens up Facebook and settles into the commute to his apartment on the other side of town.

\-------

When his alarm goes off in the morning, Marco is blinking away vestiges of the dreams of titans and the Jean from the train station. He can't believe where he and Jean have met this time. It's only happened at college once or twice so he hadn't been expecting it so soon after the last timeline. They've met in middle school so many times before. They met because of Jean's parents moving in across the street and then right next door the timeline after and he remembered them playing titans and soldiers in the backyard whenever Jean remembered them. They met through Eren at a work function and through Mikasa at a birthday party. The first time they met in college was at a convenience store down the street where they literally ran into each other in the snack aisle. Marco had recognized the other boy and stared up at him from the floor, recognition shaking through his body so badly that he’d just sat there until Jean had held out a hand to help him up and given him a mumbled apology. That timeline hadn't ended well.

Marco rubs his eyes and pulls the sheets away from where they've tangled around his legs, kicking them down to the end of the bed. His alarm on his phone goes off again from his bedside table and he glares at it tiredly. Marco raises his arm and lets it fall to the bedside table, knocking his phone off into the floor. He groans, rolling over and languidly letting his body slip off the bed to pick it up and turn it off right as it starts up again. He sits up, throwing it into his bed sheets with a muffled thump. Sliding his fingers through his hair and groaning, he shakes away the memories of last nights dream - well, nightmare considering he was being bitten in half by a titan. Some memories from the days of the wall still stuck to the back of his brain, steadfastly refusing to leave him alone in his sleep. His death was one of those memories. His reawakening in an abandoned building on the outskirts of Trost is another that he really wants to forget. Annie’s unsmiling face breaking through the swirling black of unconsciousness, Bertholdt’s concerned and sweaty face appearing above her right shoulder and Reiner’s frowning one peeking over her left.  
“Time to wake up.” She’d said, holding out a hand. He’d taken it then, wholeheartedly devoted to their mission despite his attachment to Jean. He’d killed four people in human form in cold blood. He didn’t think he’d ever take that hand now.  
Marco pushed himself to his feet and headed off to ease his memories under the hot water of his shower.

\-----  
When he arrives on campus at noon a few hours later, he can already see Eren and the others at their usual table in front of the campus cafe. Annie spots him and raises a hand, prompting the others to turn and see him, their smiling and shouting joining the general buzz of chatter.

“Marco! Notes! Have you got them?” Eren shouts across the table as soon as he sits down. Mikasa elbows him in the ribs and Eren pokes her in retaliation.

“Yes! Yes! Here!”

Marco pulls his notes out and holds them out to Eren, who reaches and is jabbed in the gut by Mikasa, prompting a knee jerk reaction that ends with his head banging into the table. Laughter breaks out amongst their friends as Eren rubs his forehead and takes the notes, shoving them into his backpack. Marco rolls his eyes and settles back into his chair, listening to the conversations around him. He scans the cafe’s tables with the slim hope that the Jean he’d seen yesterday is actually a part of his campus and he almost missed him, because he’s tucked into a corner by himself with an apple and a sketchbook and that same maroon beanie from the day before perched on the back of his head. Marco breathes in sharply, his mind spinning through the Jeans he’d known before.  
How could he be this lucky? Especially after the last timeline where they’d met in college, nothing had gone to plan. That was the timeline he wish he could erase from his mind more than any distant death.  
Someone nudges his arm and he jumps, taking his eyes off of the man sitting alone at the distant table.

“You okay dude?” Reiner asks, one eyebrow cocked. Marco nods slowly and turns his head back to see Jean packing up his stuff and leaving. He watches him go.  
So does Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie and Armin. He knows they recognize him. He knows they remember.

“It’s him isn’t it?” Armin says.

“They definitely look like him.” Reiner chimes in.

“Shorter, though, and prettier.” Eren says, and they all look at him. “What? He is.”

“Yeah you’re right....He is prettier than last time.” Reiner says. “Maybe he’s younger?”

Marco shakes his head and they look at him. “I’ve grown up with him before, he’s never been that kind of pretty.”

Annie pushes Bertholdt up and out of his seat and beckons to Reiner across the table.

“Class time.” Reiner nods and pats Marco on the shoulder.

“Go say hi.” He says, squeezing Marco’s shoulder lightly. Marco nods and stands up to follow them to class.

\----

Jean doesn’t really cross his mind again until his Life Drawing class at the end of the day when the maroon beanie and two-tone haircut catch his eye as Jean walks into his class and takes the easel almost directly opposite him. Marco’s eyes widen and he quickly looks away and back to his drawing.  
He wasn’t really sure how long he’d be able to keep this up. Shooting furtive little glances at Jean every time he looked around to check the position of one of the plants they were supposed to be drawing.  
He manages to make it through the class without bursting into flames from the tension he’s created in his head and by the time he looks up from putting his cartridge paper in its cardboard tube, Jean is already out the door.  
Marco stares at the closed door of the studio and feels his heart drop a little.  
He packs up the rest of his stuff slowly and leaves the classroom just as slowly, making his way down to the cafe from the top floor of the Arts building. Eren is there chattering away and hanging all over Levi as per usual, and Mikasa and Armin are standing beside them talking. Levi looks at Eren with affection clear on his usually blank face and Marco’s heart drops a little more when he remembers how Jean used to look at him like that.

“He’s in my Life Drawing class.” Marco states as he joins them. Levi looks up at him.

“You found Jean?” Marco nods, assuming that Eren told Levi everything during their classes. “Did you say hello?” Marco shakes his head.

“He arrived late and left before I had the chance.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.” Marco gives Levi a little smile. “Thanks for your concern, Captain.” Levi scowls and turns away, pulling Eren with him towards the restaurant just outside their campus.

“I told you not to call me that.” Marco’s smile widens and he follows after them.


	2. I’m Gon’ Be There To Catch You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco is finally nudged into approaching Jean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!! Thank you for the kudos and comments that I've gotten so far!! the awesome agent-pluto beta-ed this chapter!  
> Hope you like it~  
> finnstiel on tumblr, i track the tag fic:all for you!

Marco lets the voices of his friends distract him from his thoughts of Jean as they walk off campus. They've had a tradition for Wednesday nights. When they all finish their classes (the classes, of course, being those that finish hours after most), the group go for drinks and tacos at the little Mexican restaurant across the road from their campus. Sometimes Annie, Reiner and Bert join them, and other nights its just the usual crew. Just Marco, Mikasa, Armin, Eren and Levi. 

Finding Levi had been the biggest surprise. In this timeline, all of the 104th remembered their past lives, with the exception of Connie and Sasha, who hadn’t turned up anywhere, and Jean. Or so Marco thought, considering he hadn’t recognized any of them or said anything to them. 

Once or twice in past timelines, members of the Scouting Legion had popped up into his life, and the lives of his friends. While the memory of their names and faces were blurred due to fleeting glimpses and the circumstances, Marco had still been able to recognize Erwin and Mike when they moved in next door, and whenever Levi turned up it was always with Eren. They were a lot closer in age now than they had been in past reincarnations, Levi’s frowning face softening and smiling at Eren’s wildly flailing arms as he told Armin and Marco a story. He’d seen Hanji at one point too. And the woman with peach-coloured hair had been one his mother’s friends when he was younger. He’d felt an overwhelming surge of guilt when he’d seen her, remembering the sight of blood trickling down her delicate facial features after being crushed against a tree, spine smashed and broken as her eyes looked sightlessly towards the sky. Hanji and the woman had been together when he’d met them, shy smiles and tender touches when they thought no one could see them.

Armin nudged his arm and he jumped in his seat, others laughing at the reaction.

“What?” 

“We’re gonna order, do you want something?” Armin smiles at him and gestures to the waiter standing at the end of the table.

“Oh! Yeah, yeah ok yeah....” Marco picks up the menu and scans it quickly while Eren and Levi order then places his own when the waiter turns back to him.

“So Marco,” Levi says once the waiter has gone. “Jean. What are you going to do about him?”

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“Will you?”

“Yes.”

“ _Will you?_ ”

“Yes! I’ll see if he’s in any of my classes and I’ll sit next to him and say hi!”  
Levi smiles at him and leans back into Eren’s arm.

“Good.” He says.

“It’s kinda painful seeing you all mopey like this when he’s so close.” Eren says. Marco smiles half-heartedly and looks down at his hands. 

“Yeah... I know.”

 

\-------

 

They drink more than they'd originally planned, deciding it'd be best to just crash at Levi’s for the night. 

Marco opens his eyes blearily and groans, holding his arms up to shield his eyes from the sun. Another groan issues from the other side of the room and he looks over to see Armin raise his head off Mikasa’s stomach. Her only response is to roll over and bury her head in her pillow.  
  
A _bang_ echoes through the living area where they are sprawled out on blankets and pillows and Levi walks into the room, Eren in tow.

“Good morning.” He calls loudly through the room, a smirk pulling a corner of his mouth up. Four simultaneous groans answer him and his smirk widens into a smug smile.

“Fuck you very much.” Eren says, draping his arms over Levi’s shoulders when the shorter man sits down at the kitchen counter. 

“It’s not my fault you shits don’t know how to hold your booze.” Levi says in reply, leaning his head back onto Eren’s shoulder. 

“It’s not our fault that you _can_ , either.” Marco responds, dropping his head back into his pillow and covering his face with his hands. Levi lets out a short laugh and Eren groans.

“That was right in my ear.” He whines, Levi flicks his nose. “Ow!”

“Brat.” 

“Stuffy old man... Ow! Again with the flicking?” The voices filter through the living space and Marco doesn’t move his head, opting to let out another groan at the noise and sunlight permeating his foggy brain. 

Levi chuckles. “Oi, brats, get off my floor. I'll make you guys something for the hangovers.” 

 

\------

 

It's around two hours later when the group finds themselves them sitting around their normal table chatting before class. Marco can't help himself and has a quick look, scanning the crowd around them to see if Jean is sitting near them. Disappointment doesn't really come as a shock when he finds the undercut blond is now where to be seen. 

In the last timeline where they met in college, Jean had not only remembered, but had found him. Eren and Mikasa had been together on campus one morning, watching on as the younger boy ran up to his freckled friend and flung himself into his arms with a sudden shout of “Marco!”. 

Marco hadn’t been expecting it, of course, and they’d gone tumbling to the ground in a heap of limbs and laughing. As most 20-somethings would do. Thinking back on that timeline never failed to break Marco's heart, however. Jean had died in a car crash not even three weeks after they’d met.  All it really took was a drunk driver on icy roads. There wasn't much he could to to prevent his death, the car hitting his own on the passenger side and sending the car spiraling into the pole of a streetlight. The sight of Jean's bloodied, mangled body in the passenger seat had been enough to make Marco pass out at the wheel, a piece of the door lodged in his own chest.

He’d bled out before the paramedics had gotten them out, tears running down his cheeks and his hand clutching Jean’s when their bodies were found. Neither of them had the chance to see the other's coffin lowering into the ground that time. They couldn’t count the other's crying family and friends. They weren't around to grieve for each other.  
  
 But at least they’d been together, that was better than waiting weeks and weeks, wondering why Jean wasn’t responding to texts and calls until he found out about it the day before the funeral.

Marco shakes his head and turns back to his friends, ignoring the burning at the back of his eyes caused by the sudden influx of memories. Reiner nudges him and points over at the cafe’s doors and when Marco turns and looks he sees Jean walking out, the maroon beanie he’s beginning to associate with this timeline still perched on the back of his head. Marco’s eyes widen and he looks back at Reiner and the others, seeing Levi’s raised eyebrow and little nod in Jean’s direction.

“Go on. You promised you’d end all our suffering next time you saw horse boy and here’s your chance.” Levi narrows his eyes and leans back into Eren’s arm. “Get on it, lover-boy.” 

A chorus of ‘Yeah!’ and ‘Go get him!’ backs up Levi’s words and Marco is pushed out of his chair by his cheering friends. And when Marco looks back up at Jean, the other man and several of the cafe’s patrons are looking at their group with interest and mild annoyance. Marco can feel the blood colouring his cheeks and he looks away from Jean as he walks forward. He can feel the stares and bated breaths of his friends behind him, as well as the stares of the people sitting around them. He walks slowly towards Jean, aware that he’s still watching him and he feels like his entire face is burning red and his heart is beating right out of his chest and was it really this hard back then? He tries to remember the other times they’ve met and one of them hasn’t remembered but all he can bring to mind is the deep green-gold colour of Jean’s eyes and the way his hair looks when he wakes up in the morning and what his voice sounds like after he comes and--

Yeah ok, probably a good idea if his train of thought stops at that station and doesn’t continue at all.  

Marco comes to a stop in front of Jean and realizes that he was right about his height before. This Jean is shorter than most of the past Jean's had been. And now that he’s up close, Marco can tell that Jean’s eyes are just that little big bigger and his mouth is definitely fuller. And then of course he remembers what it’s like to kiss the mouth that belongs on that face, blushing and burying his hands in his pockets to stop them from reaching out and enveloping Jean in a tight hug. 

Jean is watching him with a curious expression now, one corner of his mouth turned up in a half-smile that is just _so_ like Jean that Marco’s breath catches in his throat a little and he has to clear it before he speaks.

“Uh....Hi. Um, I’m Marco. I’ve seen you around campus and I-I think you’re in some of my classes.” He wants to look away or just melt into the concrete below him or at least _something_ because that was the worst opening statement of his life and he can feel the burn of the beanie wearing boy's eyes on his face. To think he was an English Major way back in some other timeline. Of course, that was one where he and Jean don’t even meet at all. Jean quirks an eyebrow and his smile turns into a smirk.

“Hi Marco.” Jean says. “I’m Jean.”

Marco stares at him. That voice is not at all what he’d been expecting to come out of those lips. It’s lighter, higher and more feminine than Jean’s. It still has the same snark to it, however, exactly like he remembers. It’s like someone took Jean’s voice, put it through software and changed the pitch to hot, husky, lady voice. Marco can feel his cheeks flaring up again. 

“Ah yeah, um, Marco Bodt.” He holds his hand out and Jean shakes it firmly, letting go after the socially acceptable five seconds. His hands are different too, slimmer and smaller but with the same long fingers that the Jean’s from previous lifetimes had. Marco wants to hold onto his hands and examine all the differences between this Jean and the other Jean’s he’s lived his life with. “Oh um, we have Life Drawing together right? Are you a, um, Fine Arts major, or..?” Marco pulls his sleeves down over his hands, nerves making him fidget. 

“I’m Digital Design and Animation but that class is one of  my prerequisites.” Jean cracks open his can of coke and eyes Marco over the top as he takes a sip. “Are _you_ a Fine Arts major?”  
Marco nods and smiles. Jean gives him that same half smile and turns towards the Library. Marco follows him.

“What class do you have next? If you, uh, don’t mind me asking?” He asks, trying to keep Jean’s attention for as long as he can. Jean looks over he shoulder at him and smiles, taking another sip of his coke. 

“It's fine. I have the Design and Arts tutorial in an hour.”  
  
Marco positively beams.“Me too!”  
  
Jean chuckles. “Awesome, I’ll see you there.” He says, disappearing into the library. Marco stands there for a moment before he turning around and walking slowly back to his friends. Something strikes him as odd when he sits down. Like someone was watching him or something. Of course, when he looks up, he realises every set of eyes in the group were trained on him. He wouldn't put it past them if they'd also watched him and his whole hamfisted interaction with Jean.  
  
Currently they were watching him fiddle with his hands.  
  
They also all could see his bright red cheeks and somewhat stupid smile on his face.

“ _Whaaat?_ ” He asks, the smile shrinking a little.

“You look like you did last time he found you.” Eren says, his hand entwined with Levi’s on the arm of his chair. Marco blushes harder and looks away from Eren and Levi, trying not to think about how it'd feel to have Jean’s smaller hand in his own.

“Well?” Reiner asks. Marco looks up at him.

“He has the D&A tute in an hour.”

“Oooh! He’s in our class!” Eren looks to Levi, grinning. 

“Please don’t scare him away with your... y'know, _weird_ , Eren.” Marco asks, staring down the boy. Eren pouts and glares half-heartedly at Marco.

“I’m not weird.” He grumbles. Everyone just laughs.

“Yes you are.” Levi says and kisses Eren on the cheek.

 

\----------

 

Eren, Levi, Annie and Armin are all in the tutorial Marco shares with Jean, so they collect their books and head up to the class with ten minutes to spare. They run into Jean on the way and he gives Marco a little half smile, choosing to fall into step next to him and Armin. Eren and Levi are walking just in front of them, Levi’s arm around Eren’s waist, and Annie walks just behind them, phone in hand.

“Hey Freckles.” Jean greets. Marco looks at him in surprise, his mind still trying to analyse the way Jean’s voice sounds, to the point where he doesn't even register the nickname used. 

“H-Hi Jean.” Jean’s half-smile widens, just a little.

“These your friends?” Jean asks and Eren whips his head around.

“I’m Eren Jaeger and I am perfectly normal.” He states before anyone else can get a word in, glaring at Armin and Marco when they burst into laughter. Jean raises an eyebrow at them and smiles.

“Right. Hello, Eren Jaeger. My name is Jean Kirschstien.” He says, with his little half-smile. “That _definitely_ wasn’t weird at all.” His smile widens as his voice practically drips with sarcasm, and the freckled and bowl-cut duo just end up laughing even harder at Eren’s pout.


End file.
